The Adventures of The Fat Lady, Sir Cadogan, and Susan Bones
by Lumiellie
Summary: Sir Cadogan and The Fat Lady have a serious talk about Communism/Susan Bones loses to her friend and has to play a prank on professor Snape. (My collection of stories for year four, round four of the houses competition.)
1. Portraits and Pontification

A boy covered in sickly green spots ran through the corridor at a strikingly fast pace followed by a seemingly-normal looking red-haired kid. Sir Cadogan was visiting there, near the Fat Lady who guarded the Gryffindor Entrance so dearly. "Little children, what are your names?" Sir Cadogan asked.

The red-haired one introduced himself, "I'm Albus Dumbledore. And you a-"

"Albus, that's Sir Cadogan!" Elphias Doge, the kid with the pockmarks interrupted, "He defeated the Wyvern of Wye!"

"Really?" Albus looked up with awe in his light blue eyes. "I never-"

"And I was one of the Knights of the Round Table," Cadogan interrupted, puffing his chest out to look even stronger. "Merlin personally invited me."

"Wow, I want to be just like you," Albus said, admiring the brave knight.

Sir Cadogan smiled down at the boy and said, "You will accomplish great things Albus Dumbledore," the man in the portrait said, primarily because he had just been complimented.

"Really?" Albus was in awe. He didn't know how to react to this.

"I can sense it in you."

Once the two boys had met up with the rest of the First Years and their Prefect had let them into the Common Room, Sir Cadogan was free. "So, what do you think of the 1892 first years, Mary?" he asked.

The Fat Lady responded with, "They're probably going to be the same as the ones from 1891, 1890, 1879, and you get the point. They'll sneak out and wake me up from my well-deserved naps, as do all children. And then they'll forget the password so they'll end up crying and waiting for their best friend to come get them."

"You know, if I were the guardian of the Gryffindor Tower, I would change the password several times a day to make sure that no intruders would get in," Sir Cadogan said, puffing out his deflated chest once more, under the illusion that it made him look tougher.

Mary scoffed. "You'd probably make it nonsensical and stupid. Perhaps Scurvy Cur or some such."

"And? None of the Slytherins would guess it!" Cadogan argued, appearing in Mary's portrait.

"Do you think that any of the Gryffindors would get it either?" Mary retorted.

"Well, it would keep the tower safe from intruders."

"Tell me, what qualifies as an intruder to you?"

"Someone who isn't in Gryffindor trying to enter the Gryffindor tower," Sir Cadogan said, taking a seat next to the fat woman.

Mary sighed. "What if it's Headmistress Eupraxia Mole? She's a Hufflepuff, remember?"

The knight shrugged his shoulders, unsure of his answer. He sat there, thinking, and wondering what he would do. Admittedly, he hadn't thought of this scenario very often. Instead, he tried to piece together information about the world that he overheard from students. "I'd have her compliment me and then I'd let her in." Cadogan finally said. "Then she would praise me for being 'oh so noble'."

"The Muggleborns have been getting quite skinnier lately, don't you think," The Fat Lady changed the subject, not wanting to argue with her friend anymore. "Apparently there's something called the industrial revolution in the Muggle world. I heard some people talking about it. What do you reckon it is?"

"I think it's the Muggles purposely starving themselves so they can get magic like us. Maybe those who succeed go to Hogwarts," Cadogan said, fidgeting and adjusting his position on the bench. "That's definitely not how you did it," He added, nodding towards her girth with a chuckle.

Mary aimed a fist to his head. There was a loud _clank _as her first hit his metal helmet and she winced as she moved her hand back, "That _hurt_! I was a pureblood! If I were a squib, my family would have disowned me."

"Well if you were a Squib, you would starve yourself and become magical, just like the Muggles do."

Mary scoffed, "That's definitely not what the industrial revolution was all about. My bets are on famine and the muggles were revolving to solve it and that caused a boom in the farming industry, thus dubbing it the _Industrial Revolution._"

"Muggles are so weird, aren't they?" Sir Cadogan remarked, finding it funny how the two of them had two theories on how the same event happened. "Earlier today I heard some Muggleborns were talking about how Communism makes people share everything. "

"Isn't that the new country that was founded a few years ago?" The Fat Lady asked, genuinely confused about where Communism was in the first place.

"Yeah, I think it's east of Scotland," Cadogan added. "Maybe it's in Asia somewhere."

"Apparently in Communism, you have to share everything, even your house. That makes for a really weird place to live. Imagine all of the paintings residing in one frame." Mary recalled, thinking about what it would be like to share her painting with Sir Cadogan. It was quite a disturbing thought. He was too arrogant, too creepy, too cocky to share a painting with. She really preferred having her own, thank you very much.

Sir Cadogan was apparently thinking along the same lines, "Imagine having to share one wand with everyone in your country. It wouldn't be fun for anybody. There would be no use for spells...And you couldn't use magic to _save people!_" He said the last part like it was the worst thing in the world.

"It is the wand that chooses the wizard," Mary added. "If a wizard doesn't use the right wand, the consequences of such would be reflected Communism."

"I don't wanna live in Communism!" Cadogan cried, "If I rescued someone, I wouldn't get any of the glory for it!"

While the two were complaining about how bad Communism was, a small second-year was approaching. The two of them were in such a heated conversation that they didn't notice her approach. "W-what are you guys talking about?" the second year asked.

"Nothing important," Cadogan said hurriedly, swinging the portrait open without the young girl giving any password. When she entered, she looked thoroughly confused.

"She didn't give a password _you moron! _That's my job! What's wrong with you?"

"I wanted to try," Sir Cadogan whined.

The Fat Lady shrugged her shoulders, too tired to deal with Cadogan.

The second year thought to herself, _What was that all about?_

* * *

** Ah yes, communism.**

**House: Gryffindor**

**Year: Seventh Year Stand-in**

**Category: Standard**

**Prompt: [Time Period] Dumbledore's school era**

**Words: 1053**

As always, I hope y'all enjoyed!


	2. Orange Scented With Hints of Other Fruit

"Rock, paper, scissors," Hannah Abbott, the best friend of Susan Bones challenged. "If you lose, you have to give Professor Snape the shampoo."

"Why are we doing this in the first place?" Susan asked, skeptical of her friend's antics.

Hannah let out a small giggle. "We're trying to help Snape out with his hygiene." She tossed the shampoo over to Susan who caught it swiftly. Susan opened up the cap of the shampoo and took a quick whiff. It smelled somewhat like orange with hints of pineapple and lemon. ("It's the perfect shampoo for Snape!") She quickly closed the lid and set it aside.

"Rock, paper, scissors," Susan challenged with a smirk on her face. She held out a flat hand while Hannah stuck out two fingers.

"I win, you have to give it to him!" Hannah snickered, stifling a laugh.

Susan sighed. She did not want to get caught giving Professor Snape anything, let alone a bottle of shampoo. What would happen? She had heard numerous horror stories about the Professor's detentions, from being forced to scrub cauldrons with a toothbrush to having Professor Snape berate you about all your tiniest flaws. How was Susan going to make it through this?

The answer lay in anonymity. Susan had received a tawny coloured owl from her aunt as a birthday present that she had subsequently named Queen, (the name of her favourite muggle band). She was well exposed to muggle culture and found it peculiar. After all, many of the things that Wizards used came from the innovations of muggles. Unfortunately, Susan couldn't use Queen; she was too well known throughout the Hufflepuff house and someone would recognize her. They might tell the Professor what was up and the Hufflepuff would get in trouble.

Susan placed the shampoo bottle into her bag while checking to make sure there were a sufficient amount of owl treats in there. "Good luck," Hannah said, waving to her best friend. Susan waved back and left the fairly empty Hufflepuff common room.

Slowly, Susan made her way to the Owlery where she found a black school owl by the name of Ebony. She scratched Ebony behind the ears and offered him an owl treat which he devoured. She put the shampoo into a small bag and gave it to the owl. "Deliver this to Professor Snape at dinner," the young lady whispered despite the fact that she was the only one in there. There was a small note in the bag that said '_You should wash your hair once in a while'. _

Thinking that Queen was missing her, the young Hufflepuff found her owl and stroked her back. She handed Queen an owl treat which she ate quickly and hooted happily. Susan smiled at Queen and left the Owlery quickly, ensuring that no one would find out that she was in there. There were two hours until dinner so she spent that time doing her homework with Hannah. The two of them were extremely close.

When it was time for supper, Hannah and Susan made their way to the Great Hall where Professor Snape was sitting at the head table. The two girls couldn't help but stare. They were careful not to look at him for too long, in case he suspected something. When the owls swooped in, Susan looked at Professor Snape and poked Hannah in the side.

"What was that for?" she asked, mouth full of mashed potatoes.

"Watch Professor Snape," Susan hissed quietly.

"Okay."

The two girls watched as the Professor grabbed the bag from Ebony and opened it up. His face turned a deep shade of pink as he read the note. A vein in his forehead throbbed out. He quietly left the table with the bag and didn't return to supper.

The next day, Snape's hair was considerably less greasy.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. This was a really fun story to write.**

**House: Gryffindor**

**Year: Seventh Year Stand-in**

**Category: Drabble**

**Prompt: [Object] Shampoo**

**Word Count: 640**


End file.
